my front yard in july

 

anti matter

Last summer my goals were simple: I wanted to read through a series of Russian poets and finish the book AGAIN. But this summer they focus around two houses, children home from school, a new relationship and really too much emotional growth for one almost forty year old woman.

God why doesn’t age ever sound sexy?

I realized this morning that REALLY the only goal I had was to take Teo to Orchestra Hall to hear music; he is an eleven year old from Ecuador who discusses music with me like it is baseball. He plays the violin; he stands at the stone arch bridge and plays the violin for money. We debate who is better, Mozart or Beethoven—we decide on neither.

It should be noted here: I know nothing about music. It was my great downfall in high school that while others were discussing bands, I was in fact reading those Russian poets. Then you add, my parents idea of culture was to take me to a Crystal Gale concert (she had wonderful hair) well, I’m doomed.

Truth: music leads to other conversations with Teo and I hold out for those. Another truth: children and old people are the only human beings really worth talking to, b/c they tell you exactly what they think, and you can actually have an intelligent conversation without having to dig for it.

For example, on the forth of July while watching fireworks Teo and I discussed anti matter, how it was his favorite thing, and how it was impossible to gain reliable information b/c it was constantly changing. I asked him if he thought anti matter was needed in the universe b/c of this fact, if we controlled anti matter, would then the whole chaos theory of existing be thrown out of whack?

We discussed human beings need to control, instead of coming along side and what really needed to be invented was something that did not “control” anti matter’s energy but merely followed it, like a wave.

When living with unpredictability one must give up the need to know. Note: I have been unable to accomplish this!!!!!! Another side note: science and inter personal relationships---not that different.

Teo has never been inside a concert hall, I believe it is the one thing in the universe I can change in July.

from my tree

 

I am not yet moved into the new old house, this is what happens when you add two new bathrooms and a kitchen, this is what happens when your contractor flushes paper towels down the toilet and causes the sewage system to explode.

I’m not very exciting. I’m saving you people pain. I am however alive—not writing but alive. Last week was the first week of programming and I had an art budget for 45 kids and 53 showed up. It was a hell of more stilts and paint but worth it.

I use to be a missionary, a wife, a teacher…now I am an art director, a lover, a writer. I have lost nothing. I am still all those other things. When I was talking with Liz the other day, she said this is what it means to get old, sometimes you hold less in your hand but it is always open b/c you understand you actually hold nothing. It is the still under the stream, watching the river move.

This is my hand. Here is my life.