Monday, September 05, 2005

I once had someone tell me that after 9/11 the divorce rate tripled the very next year. She of course she was commenting on my divorce which was somehow connected to a national crisis.

It is sad the things we tell ourselves and others to reach a state of connection. I recently had another friend tell me she didn’t think her life was valid b/c she didn’t have a book out. Another friend b/c she didn’t have children.

I would like to side note here and say that I have lots of male friends and not one of them has ever brought up validity in their life connected to another object. Of course, some have wanted love, books, children but not one of them has said, “Teresa, I do not feel valid.”

And it makes me wonder what it is, in us, as women that connects our existence to something outside of ourselves. Isn’t it frightening that was deems us as acceptable in our own reality is outside our power. I can’t make someone love me (tried this) and really you can’t do the other two without a hell of a lot money or someone’s help.

Why am I thinking these things? Because I have daughters, because sometimes I judge myself too harshly and the basic fact that waiting for something to come along and give you meaning is fucking exhausting.

12 comments:

Anne Haines said...

Yes, yes, yes. I have so many women friends who feel like their lives are somehow less worthy if they're not married or in relationships, too -- like they've somehow failed. Why is it that we think we need this outside validation? The hell with it. My life has meaning, your life has meaning, your daughters' lives have meaning -- even if none of us are married or have books out or have found the cure for cancer or won the national spelling bee. Our lives have meaning because we are here on this planet. How can we do good things with our lives if we don't first believe that those lives have meaning?

(That said, I still want to have a book out. Dammit.)

steve mueske said...

I think men talk differently to women than they do to themselves. I think it is part of the human condition -- at least among artist folks -- to tie self-esteem into some accomplishment or other. I have to remind myself daily that I am doing just fine and that I'm not a failure.

Charles said...

(Straight) Men have no idea the world is actually complicated.

early hours of sky said...

Hmmm, well most of my friends are gay men. But I think Steve is right, we use different words sometimes. I mean not just in gender but in culture, sexuality and they may mean the same thing.

And Anne I am right there with you.

Charles said...

I'd like to believe that most gay men are at least somewhat sensitive to issues like this. But I know that's not the case.

PS. Some dude came by my blog and called me a bigot for posting that comment! I suppose he's right—I was being a bit too general, wasn't I?

early hours of sky said...

Oh for fluck sake Charlie that was so inappropriate for Paul to say, when we live in a country that actually acknowledges gay relationships, marriage, when our kids don’t have to go to school and explain to the teacher three times, no I don’t live with “a mommy and a daddy” then maybe…. But no, not now,

A. D. said...

C-
I thought yours was a preposterous statement, but I think I know your mind better than to run away with it . . . and I agree with what T said.

[switching to psych mode]

T-
I think there is definitely something of a psychosexual difference here. I don't think that it's a matter of male or female neuroses—though I could see an argument for acculturated gender roles.

early hours of sky said...

A.D

Are you are saying in a matriarchal society these questions would not exist? But if that is true then personal power or belief in personal power is determined by society. I don’t know if I agree with that.

God now all we need is beer.

A. D. said...

t-

ha, a beer would be nice . . .

no, i'm not saying that.

i don't think my point is really all that consequential—i was just hoping to make a case for the gender difference outside of (straight) men being existentially shallow.

Pirooz M. Kalayeh said...

You are all so amazing. Thank you for putting your hearts and work out there. It really makes such a difference in my life.

I think about publishing books (to get money) and partners (to have someone touch me or hold me) all the time. I don't see it as right or wrong though. I give myself the permission to dream about it. How else will it be possible?

I also think about being hungry. About being this poor. That's about it. Then I dream about a painting or writing. Most of the times I'm doing it as I dream.

Sometimes I cry. It's good to cry. I cry when it's time to cry. Then it's done. It's over.

Sometimes i don't even get to cry. I feel some sadness, and then BOOM, it's gone.

It's the same way when I am happy.

These days I am surprised
how many people see human issues with so many distinctions.

For me, self worth is not a male or female issue. It does not have to do with sexual orientation. It is human to want and need. If that means a book, or fish and chips, a partner, or world peace - I dream it when I feel it.

I also annointed myself long ago. There is no good or bad. Just personal taste. I love many of the things I do. It brings me such joy. I am so grateful to be an artist.

LKD said...

Waiting?

Hell, no. Gave up waiting a few years ago, finally. It's hard to let go of all those cultural and social expectations that you've "failed" to fulfill though.

No man is an island. But a woman is.

Writing? Yep. I'm writing for something to come along and give me meaning.

Not waiting, but writing.

Keeps my head above the waves.

(rolls eyes and cringes at what she just said then slithers away)

early hours of sky said...

I like that every woman is an island but I also feel there are universal emotions, we all feel isolated, we all feel sometimes like we are not enough, and we also share intense joys. One of the beauties of being human is that we are no different from each other after all. I think writing helps bridge that gap.

Writing verses waiting. Yes. Yes.