Thursday, June 30, 2005

Both my girls are home now they have been separated for four days. This is how they love each other: they compare their bodies; height, weight. Olivia shows Bella a new scar and it goes on like this for twenty minutes—what has wounded them while they were apart. Isabel says, I ate a hot dog for breakfast and no one stopped me. I sat in the front seat of the car and I did not die.

Sometimes I feel bad that I have never loved any adult the way I love my children. I know their smells. I can feel them enter a room without turning around. I sometimes feel frightened that when they are old enough to take an account they will say, “she has never loved anyone like us” and I will be blamed.

7 comments:

Emily Lloyd said...
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early hours of sky said...

Actually I think her way is the more emotionally healthy. Children already believe the world revolves around them—they don’t need more proof. When you know your parents love each other, endlessly I think it produces a kind of safety. Yes, I think it is good to say, I love my husband more. I just wouldn’t take out posters.

Whatever they see…they will grow. People are like that. Plus, I have no problem saying yeah, you are right, I did not do that very well. It is one of my gifts.

Emily Lloyd said...
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early hours of sky said...

Dear Lord, like her children never knew she was depressed.

No, Em I was agreeing with you. I think there's a huge judgmental attitude about motherhood especially being a mother and an artist. I know a great many people who don’t say a word about their children and writers like Gluck who most don’t even know is a mother. They don’t want that persona. Being a mother isn’t sexy or creative or mysterious. Well fluck that. I am a stronger woman b/c I am a mother and hell I am sexy b/c I know my body, not b/c someone else defines it for me. Anyway I am ranting…sorry.

Peter said...

"Olivia shows Bella a new scar and it goes on like this for twenty minutes—what has wounded them while they were apart." Love this: definitely a poem here.

Sounds like you have wonderful daughters. Don't ever apologize for loving them best.

Ana Bozicevic-Bowling said...

My favorite part is...
...“she has never loved anyone like us” and I will be blamed.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't -- and not just with children.
Teresa, if you don't distill some of these posts into a series of prose poems, you will be blamed. You've reached wonderful depths here.

early hours of sky said...

Thanks Ana, I am not quite sure how to do that but it is in my head, hopefully it will come on its own. And Peter, yes they are wonderful and horrible--kind of like love.