Sunday, March 19, 2006

There are some people you cannot put in boxes: Celan, Rukeyser, Sexton; if I put them in boxes I might not hear them. If I put them in boxes they might say something I've missed so I am left packing the people I do not know, people I have not listened to, people I feel guilty about owning but not opening---these are the writers I move.

It is possible I can spend the next ten months inside my new/old house and barely catch up with everything. It’s possible I could take the money I have, move to Costa Rica with my daughters and never be heard from again. Anything is possible.

My best friend told me this week you are finding yourself, you are not suppose to know anything. No darling, I’ve been here all along—this is exactly what I know. I am the same person, my shell has extended but I am the same. Why is it, when you are open to the best and worst of who you are, people claim you are finding yourself? I was never lost.

This is your worst fear and I don’t know how to stop questioning, I can’t stop questioning and I don’t know how to be satisfied but I do think that is different from not knowing how to be loved. I was never lost. I am a lifter of stones---you hold them in them your mouth.

I am her.

Whichever stone you lift--
you lay bare those who need the protection of stones.
It’s not a matter of light but vulnerability.

Whenever you take into your hand
the half formed, the amphibian fish; fin legs, pin heart.
You must understand the drive to scatter.

A stone with its own moon does not remember
nor does it need to control the tide.
Darkness by her very nature is lax.

Do not expect more— yet within your own nature
is the exact opposite wonder, to uncover
what has no desire for light.

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