Wednesday, March 22, 2006

When my I was in Maine this last visit my grandfather gave me a photo of my grandmother, it was faded and yellow from sitting in their window for over thirty years. In the picture my grandmother is in Egypt riding a camel. As a child I would carry this photo with me to bed, b/c it was a CAMEL and my grandmother. We had no zoos in Maine just cows ;) I believed my grandmother was the bravest person alive for this one act and I remember telling her so. I also remember her telling me, how frighten she was, how high up it was, the man dropping the rope, hitting the camel’s ass and leaving her on her own. She didn’t get anywhere fast, she didn’t know what she was doing.

My grandmother was my age when her 8 year old was hit by a car and killed. She was also pregnant at the time and trauma caused her to loose her other baby daughter. When I grew, I always wanted to talk to her about these events b/c they were tragic, somehow a part of my history and I loved stories. I remember asking her about how she could live, why she just didn’t wither and die; she told me air continued to go into her lungs, air continued to leave---you breathe.

I understand. Truth: I love well and I don’t. I am a woman with things I can’t change and things I can. I was/am broken, I jumped, I shattered. I made different choices and I tried to start again. Another fact: I am a thirty-eight year old woman with two children and I’m a gay writer. I haven’t turned into anything anyone expected me to be—I am continuing to change. I don’t fit in a box but I can be labeled. But it is not all of who I am.

When I left my husband, told my family everything; my grandfather said, but you were her favorite. I understand. I have come too far to be afraid, too stay little. I have come too far to be defined. I have a nest of my own making. I am done hiding. I am done letting others determine my own truth.

Now I can begin.

8 comments:

LJCohen said...

Your grandmother sounds like a wise and very brave woman. As do you, Treezaa.

xo,
lisa

ps--LOVE those purple boots!

Suzanne said...

You go with your badself, girl!

Whoohoo!
xoxox

Emily Lloyd said...

I have too many responses to this, it feels, to put them in one comment. One is just:

:)

Another:

I really like you, Teresa.

A third:

I can see you on that camel, shifting your hips to balance the weight, then laughing and trying to point the damn thing towards the ocean.

A fourth:
Yes.

early hours of sky said...

Thank you.

jenni said...

"I love well and I don’t. I am a woman with things I can’t change and things I can. I was/am broken, I jumped, I shattered. I made different choices and I tried to start again. "

Yes.

Thanks for this.

Charles said...

You are one of my favorite people.

Radish King said...

The most amazing thing of all, the thing that gets me out of bed every morning, is that we can change whenever we want, in any direction we want. I love that, that we have control of the wheel and can turn the corner at any time, at any moment.

Brava, sweetpea.

early hours of sky said...

I am ready to park my car at a rest stop and pee.

That is where I am;)